I am tired.
Can I be vulnerable for a few moments?
In these weeks before the wedding (four, to be precise), I feel like I have bitten off more than I can chew.
I constantly feel two or three steps behind everything.
I am running to catch up with my schedule and it has come to me taking a full day off of work to get caught up. It is three thirty in the afternoon, I have been productive all day, and I still don’t feel like I have moved through everything I need to do. Could it possibly remain this way forever? The list will always be present, the to-do items will change from day to day, month to month, season to season. I want a major change in perspective. The list evokes feelings of anxiety, exhaustion, fear of failure, apathy… To not be constantly busy, or be known as someone who is too busy is so desirable at present. Is it too much to say that I don’t believe I was created to be a work horse? ( I say this in reference to what is valued at my workplace.)
When did I cease to do things I enjoy? When did painting, writing in my journal, reading for leisure or spending time outside slip out of my life schedule? I think back to the retreat at the Stone Barn and miss the idea of intentionally being slow and having the freedom to just *be* .
What would it look like for me to complete my list day after day, doing my tasks with joy? I am moving toward this perspective. The hustle and bustle will not cease…how I respond to the hectic pace of my life right now is critical to my health and spiritual well-being.